Recently, I have come across a lot of “Things I Wish I Had Known” type posts. I decided to write one for myself. In less than two weeks I will be sitting for the Texas Bar Exam and in one month I will begin my LLM at Florida. It is important, for me, to keep moving forward, but it also equally important to remember where I started from or my own struggles and demons.
10 years ago I would have been 18, just graduated from high school, and about to start college at the University of Arizona (Bear Down!). Everything I have done in my life has led me to right here, which is where I believe I am supposed to be. But with that said, I wish I had known the following.
1. LOVE AND FEELINGS. It is a really good thing to love and be loved. When I was 18 ,I was still with my high school boyfriend. He was my first love, my first everything. I loved him so much it hurt. When we did finally break up, (it’s all fun to think your relationship will stand the test of long-distance – until it doesn’t) I actively chose not to deal with the pain. Instead, anything that reminded me of him or was him, I cut out completely because the pain hurt too much and I could not handle the pain. I compartmentalized the relationship when we broke up and I put it in a box in my mind, duct taped it shut, and actively and purposefully chose not to deal with it. I should not have done that. I wish I had known 10 years ago to just deal with the pain. Embrace the pain. Cry. Be upset. Be sad. Feel something. Don’t be numb or go numb. We had a great, pure, true, real love and it was okay to be heartbroken that the relationship was over. There was no need to fall into the trap or play the mind game of “well if I moved to SB or him to Arizona then we’d be together.” Or any other sort of variation of “well if I had just done X, then we would have been together.” The truth: I don’t know if we would have been. And that is okay.
I can only speak for me, but I know I needed to grow up. I needed to appreciate what I had with him and, for me, that meant growing up. The experience taught me that a relationship should be between two people and no one else. Because I had the experience of someone being so nice and kind to me and who really truly loved me, I knew that I wanted to be with a man would love me like that.
Without that relationship ending I would have never met my husband. And for that I am incredibly thankful.
2. COMPLIMENTS. 18 year-old Courtney could not accept a compliment. 28-year-old Courtney still sucks at it. People will give you compliments – don’t be weird about it. Say “thank you” and maybe something nice back and that’s it. Don’t make weird faces or downplay it.
3. FRIENDS. Throughout the last 10 years there has been one constant – my friends. I could write a whole post on them, but I won’t. I love them. Tara, thank you for taking Rafiki and loving him, what you did for him and me went well above the call of friendship. But we have always had that kind of friendship. KJ, I love you. Becky, I hope to be #BeckyFast one day.
4. RELATIONSHIPS. Relationships will come and go. A romantic relationship doesn’t have to be something where I have this great epiphany and I grow and change. A romantic relationship can be just that – a romantic relationship. Not all romantic relationships are supposed to teach me something deep and prolific. And they don’t have to. Maybe all I am supposed to get out of it was romantic relationship things and that it didn’t work out.
5. MY BODY AND FOOD. I jokingly say (jokingly because I don’t know how to handle emotions or feelings) that my longest and most successful relationship has been with my eating disorder (Ed). I know, an eating disorder is nothing to joke about, it is very serious. But for me, it is how I cope with having one. At some point I will need to decide to be okay with food, my own body, and being in my own skin. I am not sure when that will be but I know I need to be the one to make it happen. No one can do it for me. Whatever size I am or am not or what the scale says should not dictate my level of happiness. A size two does not automatically mean pure bliss. A size ten does not mean heartache and failure. Fat is not emotion or a feeling. While I know these things to be true, I just can’t bring myself to believe them – about myself.
6. ACADEMICS AND FAILURE. I never believed in myself in really anything, honestly. That changed when I went to law school. In undergrad, I just did the work to get by and not applying 100% of myself to see what I could reach. (Sorry Mom.) I was afraid of what would happen if I tried really hard at something and failed. And to be honest, I am terrified of giving my all to everything and succeeding. Ten years ago, I wish I had trusted myself to give school everything I had. Failure wasn’t going to happen but I didn’t know that or believe myself. In law school, I worked my ass off and earned a 4.0 during probably my roughest semester. Great things have happened to me because of my achievements. Ten years ago I did not think that I would be where I am today. My promise to myself (it kind of feels like 18-year-old Courtney is making this promise) is to give, hopefully, my last program everything I have.
7. EXERCISE AND FAILURE. I think the common theme for me is: Fear. I have accomplished a lot, NYC Marathon, a lot of half-marathons, other distances, and some sprint tris. However, I am basically paralyzed by fear of not reaching my goals to a point where I wish I didn’t have goals. In college, I let my college boyfriend convince me that I would never have what it takes to run a marathon…fucker. But I know I can do anything I actually believe I can do. Now I just need to believe it. One of my goals before I turn 30 is to run an ultramarathon, a 50K. I will not let fear stand in my way.
8. FAMILY. Life is really short and life is what we make of it. Family matters. Ten years ago, I brushed family off in a lot of ways and I should not have done that.
9. HAPPINESS/DEPRESSION. I wish I had known ten years ago to just accept myself for the good and faults I have. I struggle with depression and some days are better than others but as long as I am doing what I should be doing I am okay. I can have bad days. Bad days do not need to define me. One bad day does not mean the next that the next day, automatically, will be bad too.
10. LET IT GO. Yes, like the Frozen song. I am incredibly guilty of just not letting anything go and it builds up. It builds up to a point where it actually physically hurts me. 18 year-old Courtney – Let Shit Go. 28 year-old Courtney – Let Shit Go.
